Chapter 23: When Confrontation Is Needed

(This is chapter 23 of "Up and Out," a book condensing my long experience about how to best help poor people.  I pledged earlier to get it up online as soon as possible, so it would be available for free to everyone trying to cope with helping the Katrina evacuees.)

(These are not things that need to be done during the first part of this emergency.  Rather, this is for the time after that, when Katrina evacuees will be moving from getting immediate emergency assistance to trying to normalize their lives.  That is when good programs to help them "up and out" of their situation need to kick in.  The following is for that time.)

(For other chapters, look under "Categories" and click on the chapter you want.)

UP AND OUT: A GUIDE TO TRUE COMPASSION FOR THE POOR"

PART II: MOVING UP AND BREAKING OUT OF POVERTY

Section 2: Attitude Adjustments for Helpers

Chapter 23: When Confrontation is Needed

We live in a time when confrontation is considered a negative.  “Nice people” do not do it.  Some parents can hardly confront their own children.

But then, some people have no problem at all with confronting others.  There are those who truly enjoy it.  For some, it is a part of almost every conversation. They normally talk in a challenging, confrontational way.  TV talk shows seem to have plenty of those.

Most Americans seem to hate confrontation.  They employ strategies to get around it, such as talking all around what they really mean.  Or they may speak so much in general terms that the person being confronted has no idea what they are talking about.

Like it or not, confrontation is an integral part of every “life changing” kind of program.  There is no accountability without it. 

One of the advantages of using reformed alcoholics and drug addicts in programs to rehabilitate alcoholics and addicts is that confrontation is easier for them.  In fact, it is not needed so often.  Knowing that they have been there before and are familiar with all the excuses and dodges, the clients often may not even try to fool them.  Then they do not have to be confronted so often over some deception.

In working with the poor, there will be all kinds of efforts to get around the rules, to deceive and to take advantage.  It is important not to allow that to happen, for the sake of the clients themselves.

One reason is that when they succeed in such efforts, it strengthens them in a bad pattern.  They are more likely to continue such behavior.  If they are confronted about it, they begin to learn to live by different standards.

Another reason is that they hurt their own chances of success in the program when they find ways to get around it.  The program is their best chance up and out of poverty.  Concern for them dictates that they be confronted when trying to evade doing what they should.  Or when they try to be helped more than is good for their future ability to help themselves. 

They do not yet know these things, but the helper does.  It is the responsibility of the helper to insist and to stand firm.

A typical situation involves the client’s approaching a volunteer, as an individual, for financial help.  This evades the rules of the program, which carefully limit how much financial help can be given and in what ways.1 

It is less confrontational for the volunteer to respond that such giving is against the rules.  It should be explained that all such decisions are made only by the team as a whole.  This takes the burden off the volunteer.  It also keeps it from being a personal matter.

That is why it is very important for the rules of the program to be spelled out clearly for clients at the very first.  That does not mean that the client will not try to evade them.  But it does keep it from being personal and arbitrary when the rules have to be enforced.

When a client does not follow the rules, not only should there be confrontation, but it should come as quickly as possible.  If it is delayed, there is more risk that the client will not continue the program.

For instance, when a client first misses a meeting or a day of work, it is important to contact the client, not on the phone but in person, that very day.  This is usually the first indication that the client is wavering.   

Without immediate action, the client may be lost.  Or if action is taken, but on a later day, the client may already be lost.  Often it is too late after just a day or two.  But an in-person contact that first day often saves the situation.

It should be remembered that it is hard to know what the client is thinking.  But when the client breaks the rules in some way, such as missing a meeting, that is a clue that should not be ignored. 

Confrontation at that very point, that day, is a great kindness to the client.  It has the best chance of discovering what is going on in the client’s life and mind.  It has an immediate reinforcement effect, which is stronger than a delayed effect.  It is a chance to remind the client what the goals are and why they are important in the client’s life.  It is a prime opportunity to encourage the client not to give up the effort to change, but to keep trying.

In that context—personal, not on the phone, showing enough concern to make the trip to see the client, giving encouragement—confrontation should happen.  There should be a firm reminder that unless the rules are observed, the client cannot stay in the program.  The benefits of the program would be lost. 

Without that confrontation, without enforcing the rules, the program degenerates into mere hand-holding.  No client I have ever seen comes to a program simply for hand-holding.  Like the rest of us, they have other things to do with their time. 

They have no need whatsoever for the program unless it is going to help them.  In their hearts, they know that being confronted when they need it is a part of that.  They do not mind as much as the person doing the confronting, as a rule.

Confrontation can happen without being rude or uncaring.  It can happen while showing respect for the other person.  It is not the end of the world.

When confrontation is needed, however, and does not happen, the program is weakened.  So are the chances for the client to succeed.  Trying to retrieve the situation can be a lot harder and take much more time than if the confrontation had happened when first needed.

Those who sincerely want to help poor people will need to learn, first, to confront when necessary, and later, how to do it well.  But doing it soon enough, even if awkwardly, is usually more effective than doing it later and better, but perhaps too late.

1 See Chapter 19, “Guidelines for Giving Help.”